Mark

[This is from this past Thursday, the 15th. At OKC, you can see who visits your profile. One of these visitors had a pretty enough picture, that I went by her place to try and figure out if there was a good reason for her having come by mine. If one existed, it was not readily apparent. So I wrote her, and we exchanged several emails over the course of the next several hours. Hers are in italics.]

Hi,

I can't see enough of your hair to talk about it - what I can see looks nice, although I'm sure you get plenty of that.

I won't listen to the Libertines until after I leave here.

Do you like Crass?

I like your profile write-up, all of it.

Your picture made me come here; what made you come to mine?

If you answer that and want to, tell me how you answered the sarcastic question, too, as the answers to the others, I think, are probably apparent?

"I went to your profile because a bunch of my buddies on here commented on your journal.

Do your sons ever bring little girls home from school for you to play with?"

Ah, gotcha, thanks for saying so. And, that's not a good sign considering the content of their comments - I will say I'm surprised these are your buddies as they don't seem to think so well as you. But then again, thinking people are hard to find, these days.

On the other, nah. The older one doesn't seem to like girls nearly as much as I do, if at all, yet. The younger has expressed some disappointment, however, that peer pressures and attitudes regarding yucky girls keeps a whole segment of otherwise would-be friends unfriendable.

Nevertheless, even if they did both like them as much as I do, and brought them here, although I am sure I would enjoy them being around the place, they wouldn't be doing that for me to play with them, since that's not at all my thing.

Smiling - yes, I confess, it is nice to think about all the same, but you already knew that.

Mark

"So what age group are you attracted to?"

All of them. As the guy in the McMartin preschool case said, "what's not to love?"

But, long ago, and for a very long time, I was..I don't know, stuck on, I guess, 8. I'm much more flexible, now. They're just lovely, all of them - females - including, I have been more than delighted to find out, under certain circumstances those well over 18.

If you asked, demanded I pick an age, for say some sort of ageplay scenario - I don't know - it would be hard, but might be something like this progression: 8, 6, 4, 10, 12, 14, with the odd numbers appropriately fit between those. In these cases, so much of some things are based upon what she (my adult lover) needs and wants, which is part of the sum of the beauty.

There's a gray area, of course, from 14 and up, and although my imagination makes those scenarios pretty, too, I'd just as soon make the jump to something more solidly at adult, as the emotional-spiritual connection is much more entirely lovely to those two.

Anyway, yes, I like them all. Why do you ask?

"Honestly, I'm just trying to figure you out. I don't really understand how a grown man could be attracted to such young girls.

So, you just make your adult lovers act like little girls? Or do you ever get physical with or around actual 8 year olds?

How would you feel if your children were treated like sex objects?"

I see. Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your candor and curiosity, both.

Believe me, however, when I tell you that I do not think you will have any more luck or success with that than I have - after all, I've got 4 decades of research into the "question" of that attraction. I won't be able to answer that question any easier than you will or any other researcher has.

It just is. You know? It just is. To analogize, think of the thing that "moves you," the thing your mind goes to when you're with your lover, or perhaps, better, by yourself and on the brink of your orgasm, of your freedom, of your release. Do you know why that is where your mind goes - to that location? Definitively? Better, would you change that? Would you renounce it? The answer might well be moot, for the question is likely "could you?"

They hate it, and I do "get" why they hate it, but at the end of the day there is exactly no fundamental difference between the questions asked of me as regards "why" and those same questions asked of homosexuals.

Any of them would tell you, "it just is." And, sure, like me, they can tell you "what" about the same gender moves them so - but not the "why." Because also, like me, if they knew why, and could, they'd probably change it - for life would be easier.

Some of these commit suicide over it, after all.

I had to smile at your question about "making" my adult lovers. The answer is "of course not." Can you imagine one of your lovers "making" you do something, and that being even remotely satisfying or fulfilling to either of you? In any case, it wouldn't be for me. No, my two real life and many cyber life lovers have all been moved by the same thing as me - or else they would never have been my lovers. They welcome it, want it, and sometimes or always, like me, need it "that way." The fulfillment part comes in at "connection," and "understanding," and really is the best thing in the whole wide world. "Can I be nine," my first in real life lover asked of me.

The funny thing in that deal is that such people, such lovers to me, couldn't be any more full-grown women if they tried with everything - there is no fantasy little girl in those transactions: there's just her, and me, and it.

Do I get physical with or around 8 year old girls? No. Do they make my heart ache at times, you bet they do. It's more than the sex about them, though: it's everything. So there is a bit of a disconnect to think I think of them as "objects" period, let alone "sex objects," because I don't. They're people, like my sons, and like me and like you. Also, and so importantly on that, they are, as they exist, no one even close to the kinds of people they are in my dreams. This is why I have long held that the laws proscribing sexual interaction between children and adults are beside the point; that even if such laws did not rightly exist, it wouldn't matter - because she'll never be that one in my dreams - ever.

My adult lovers have come much closer, if not surpassed any of those ones in my dreams - that hasn't changed those dreams at all, though.

Do I think of them, however, little girls, in my alone times, and in that totally impossibly sexy kind of way? Yes, of course I do. Again, it is me. These are pretty times, too - just a different, and more lonely kind of pretty.

Last, I'm positive that somewhere, sometime, someone has treated my children as sex objects (or perhaps something similar) in their head. These things happen every day, and my sons are very attractive. But even if their photographs were involved and not just images from memory, being me, and understanding, this of course does not bother me. My real children, after all, are not devalued by this, are not made any less pure by this, lose neither innocence nor anything else in such happenings, and in a certain and sure sense, are somehow kept a little more safe from one more person. Would I participate in such a thing, by offering their images up in any way, either via conversation or photos? Definitely not - that's not my role.

It is absolutely illogical to think that that all people who are attracted to little girls the way I am - offend. There are way, way more of us than just those who admit it and those who offend. Yes, undoubtedly plenty,as the evidence shows, do offend. A real "child lover," however, simply never does, for who would destroy the very person they love? Fewer, however, I believe, are the numbers of those like me, who in spite of all this desire a relationship, a real one, with a real adult female.

It's the only reason why I'm on OKC.

Anyway, thanks again for your rational approach.

Mark

***
I'd like to believe the journal entry she made at livejournal, five days later, which said something like "I don't think I've ever come to so many realizations all at once," had something at all to do with any of this, but I don't.