I'm going to miss the trouble-making associated with this name, I just know it. I'm going to miss challenging people to think, even if most refuse the challenge, and walk away as if a victory's been earned via the smote of their would-be white glove, alone.
Definitely.
I am hoping that I am making this decision based upon something else besides my ultimate dreams and desires. That is to say..oh, I just don't know!!
I was going to say, that is to say that I am hoping I am making the decision (to change/delete the name) based MORE upon the idea that to maintain this name is a dangerous game, than upon the idea that to try to find a match with this name is too much a challenge, if not impossible.
But urgh, now that I've said it, I don't at all like the idea of succumbing to ignorance, of succumbing to the refusal to think beyond its 15 characters. Not that some don't think at least a little beyond the end of the name, but even then, very few, much further than that.
Laughing - yes, of course it is scary, and so are some dreams, but both just as harmless. A young poet from Atlanta once friended me on livejournal. Touched far too young, this one, and somewhat shattered and broken from that, too, she wrote in her journal of me: "glorious and frightening."
The subject line was not intended to refer to that phrase, but since I have unintendedly arrived there, I find it to be a better fit than that for which I'd originally intended it.
(A fairly jacked up sentence, I admit)
When I started this entry, it was to be as a commentary upon an uninvited IM exchange that greeted me with my first cup of coffee, this morning.
Her: your name is sickening
Me: it's just a name, you know, letters and words
Me: and besides, really, think about it, what are those words really saying?
Me: they're not saying, littlegirlrapist?
Her: that you're a pedophile...
Me: they're not saying, littlegirlhurter?
Me: have you looked up the definition of pedophile on say, dictionary.com?
Her: you should have said "little women lover" something more appropriate
Me: well, while I do like women, too...see...this name is old..
Her: then change it
Her: to read your profile you seem ok, then your screen name makes you look like a douche bag
Her: i mean seriously....think about it
Me: oh, I am going to - but you know, that’s not going to change who I am - I will still be a little girl lover
Me: but yes, it’s changing
Me: thanks for coming by
Her: you're gross
Me: not really - it just seems so, really
Me: seriously - it just seems so, from that part
Me: that's why I chose the name, in a way
*** Her's IC window is closed
Me: to challenge that idea
*** Waiting for Her to connect
(Laughing yet again - which laughter is not entirely at the tears of a clown - not this time, anyway)
The "compliment" part of the subject line was originally meant to refer to the "to read your profile you seem ok" part of that IM conversation. "OK," after all, in not an unreasonable compliment. However, I think I will take "glorious," instead, even if it comes with the "frightening" part, too.
Littlegirllover: 15 characters, gathered into one word, composed of three; all of those together meaning so much more than "ok," "glorious," or "frightening."
Is that decent sentence structure?
Soon, I will be three OKC personas, but still one man.
Even more importantly than the dictionary.com definition are the actual roots of the word, which are not confined to just the "sexual," but begin at the broader "love" word, which takes in bunches more of things, ultimately, as is the nature of mammalian things, including or arriving at sexual as well, but not eliminating the rest by any means at all.
Expanding upon that idea, and thinking (not to mention writing) for another moment or two: as a woman (or man) would you like it at all if a similar rubric were applied to the one attracted to or who loved you? Would you like, welcome the idea of distilling that attraction down to only the sexual?
You know, like this: Jack was attracted to Jill. Before too long, he fell in love with Jill. This made him a Jillophile. Soon after that, people read in various places that that meant Jack's attraction to and love for Jill was just all about the sex. Jill was not happy about this, because she thought she was more to Jack than just her tits and cunt and ass, she really did. She thought Jack loved her, and that that meant he would never hurt her in any way. Now she wondered if she was wrong. Jill was confused and it made her cry and hurt so much inside.
Anyway, yeah.
As always, thanks for coming by.