Mark

Last night, I wondered aloud, in a text over to her, whether, perhaps, I was "just plain bad" for her.

If you don't ask the hard questions, after all - or wait, what was that quote, "honesty, when applied at one's convenience, is still dishonest" - even with ones self.

Anyway, yes, I asked that. Although I couldn't imagine she wouldn't already know why I would or might think that way, nevertheless, she asked me back, why I would think that.

She has nightmares about being molested as a child.

I responded, "because in a certain and sure sense, I am at least a component of your nightmares...I'm that guy." Then, I wondered aloud, further, what her therapist, if she knew all about me, as she already, I assume, knows all about her, would think about us "together."

"After all," I said, "when you first wrote me, very first time, part of what you said was that I hurt ones like you. Just being."

Maybe because of my fragmentary last sentence, she thought I was going to say more beyond that, and maybe she fell asleep waiting for more, which I never sent, for there was nothing more to add.

I mean, yeah, for fucks sake, I've spent my life and time avoiding, or at least trying to avoid hurting anyone, by just being. So, like, yeah, well over 18, or not, what's the point, if at the end of the day, I'm still hurting someone, you know? It's not like pain, that kind of pain, is some kind of qualitative or quantitative thing, regardless of how old or young its recipient is or is not.

***

The question, and my impetus for asking it of her, arose out of a short bit of conversation I had, last week, with someone else online. This someone said that although she didn't know, she thought that I want my girls broken, otherwise, I couldn't be (broken). She admitted it was fucked everyway, regardless. She said maybe I don't want it that way, but they are, they have to be.

I never like to hear this, of course. Like all truths, some of them hurt, I guess.

I snapped back, impetuously, "but if they are never going to be fixed, and me, either, what does it really matter?"

Then, I just laughed and said, nvm. But I didn't stop thinking about it.

But she went on to explain that the reason it mattered is because (for them) "things will always hurt."

"So," I said, "even if I try and do thing legal, I'm still fucking with people?"

She said, no, that she didn't think I was fucking with people, but that they were fucking with me, because they just aren't stable enough to stick to something.

Yeah, I get that.

***

Although I can all but predict the exact answer, it would be interesting to know what the psychotherapy ones would say. Lol, yeah, actually, I know, already, really, so why bother asking: "both of you need to get (the fuck) over this."

Maybe one of us will, someday.

***

ETA; Lol, when I'd finished, posted it and re-read it, for some reason it occurred to me to add...rather gleefully, as if I'd just had a great idea:

"Oh wait, maybe we can both get the fuck over it together!?"

Then I remembered, that oh, but oh, that's right, all the science (and sentences and registries) says ones like me never get over it.

All the same, it's funny, in some weird sense, seriously, I have gotten over it, or at least past it - but maybe I lie to myself, too.