Mark

Ah damn, I just looked into the sun, and now I have that spot in front of my eyes. As it is on the front side of the summer solstice, the sunrise is moving northward with each successive day. This morning it is almost out of my sight, but still just southward enough I can see it from my south window. I have no east-facing windows, and it will be a while before it moves northward enough I can see it from the rear, north window. So, I took advantage, to look at it, because by the beginning of the week, I'll be done seeing it from my apartment.

Wtf, what am doing talking about the sunrise. My vision's cleared, now, at least.

***

I wish I knew layouts and css and bs like this, better, so I could make this journal more what I want, which is actually quite very simple. I am really amazed no one, apparently, has written some kind of program, or opened a website thing, where they could make it very simple to "customize" existing layout styles. Nope, instead, you got like, gah, all this override stuff, and a million lines of html and crap.

Then I could be like, yes, I just want a box at the top, which is not a post-dated journal entry to have my warning, and my copyright notice, and my disclaimer, and my counter. Voila. Then the rest could all look like it does, since this is not something I really give a fuck about.

***

I'm taking the boys sledding in a few hours. I hope it warms up a bit between now and then.

***

A conversation with someone, a girl I will call Kim, about the "I'm-just-like-the-one-in-your-nightmares" texts I sent over to her (Another), late this past Tuesday night. Holy crap, I hadn't realized it had already been that long. Wow. I guess it is serious business, then. Uh, lets see, though, the conversation, from Thursday night:

Mark: I mentioned to [Another] that I may be "just plain bad" for her
Kim: why?
Mark: she said why, and I said, "well, in a sure sense, I’m just like the guy in your nightmares"
Mark: she has nightmares about molestation
Mark: and she did say in her very first letter to me that I hurt people, just by being
Kim: why tell her now, you knew this, no?
Mark: yes, but if she was blocking it, or not confronting it, what would be the point of me going on hurting her indefinitely?
Mark: I said, I wonder what your therapist would say if she knew exactly about me
Mark: she may have taken it to heart, since I have not heard from her since
Mark: facts are facts, possibly, and if those are facts, goddamn, may as well face 'em sooner, rather than later
Kim: I don't understand what you are doing
Kim: you know that anyone that has been abused will love and hate lots of parts of you. You can't bring them in and push them away when you decide. She probably thinks she knows what is best for her. Mark stop sabotaging yourself.
Mark: she is not a problem to me, period - I do not want to be part of hers
Mark: I don't hurt from loving her
Kim: but you know that you run that risk from the beginning
Mark: of hurting her?
Kim: of course
Mark: I suppose so
Mark: I dunno. Guess I'll just have to see
Kim: I don't want to seem harsh
Kim: but I don't think you know what you are doing.. lol
Mark: king of too much information, me
Mark: always
Kim: why are you the king of too much info
Mark: I don't know
Mark: I strive for this purity based on trust and understanding and honesty, and hiding nothing
Mark: but I guess that is faulty thinking
Kim: well yes because girls that you may be interested in may be unstable from the start
Mark: :(
Mark: lol, what else can one say to that one!
Kim: im sorry i said i didnt want to be harsh, but you yourself have told me this
Kim: and to choose to say this to her now i think you are just stopping yourself from being happy
Mark: you're not being harsh - honesty is not harsh
Kim: are you feeling guilty
Mark: yes
Kim: tsk tsk
Mark: you think I want to use someone?
Kim: well.. what choice do you have
Kim: it may seem that way for now but you have to help her
Mark: I don't know - I thought there was a chance at understanding
Kim: well there is but I think it would take a lot of time and security
Mark: because remember, I also do not want to be just used, either
Kim: well yes
Mark: been there, done that pretty well the first go round
Kim: but you are going to have to put everything out there and risk it all each time to figure it out
Kim: with each new person
Mark: lol, yah, I guess
Mark: not like there's some long line, darling
Kim: yea yea you know what i mean
Mark: lol, yeah
Mark: alright, though, I am going to go to sleep - I did send a text over that it was not my intention to hurt her with those statements
Mark: for what that was worth
Kim: are you testing her
Mark: no, I didn't think so, but maybe so? I wanted to make sure she faced those questions, and didn't just hide from them - and then, when I got myself all 150% invested, every fucking bit of me, boop, oops, dude, you're bad for me, sayonanna
Mark: narra
Mark: or something like that
Kim: interesting
Mark: because the irony is - once I love someone like this, this little girl shit is not so, um, I dunno, fucking important
Mark: its not like its some kind of "cure" but it is like the kind of trust that lets me be outside of that
Mark: or all the way inside, either way
Mark: or anywhere in between
Mark: lol, you know, something approaching fucking normal
Mark: is all
Kim: ok I understand but you could have still approached the subject better than telling her you may not be great for her
Kim: cause that wont help you
Mark: yeah, probably not
Kim: maybe you are too negative about yourself
Mark: it was her bringing up the nightmares that brought it to the fore
Mark: and the timing of that, really
Mark: following two episodes of text sex with her as a little girl
Kim: you can tell her reassuring things like shes not that little girl anymore
Kim: and when shes a little girl with you she is safe
Mark: makes any thinking person second guess stuff
Mark: I'll keep those in ming
Mark: mind
Mark: not in a vase from China
Kim: ok
Kim: ok well im gonna go to bed too bc i have to leave for work at 6:20 bleh!
Mark: mkay, sleep tight
Mark: thanks for the words, etc
Kim: mmm hmm
Kim: dont know if it made sense or helped
Kim: but i personally hate hate hate when [her b/f] decides for me if we should be together or not for my own good
Mark: ehh, anything beats silence, really
Mark: always
Mark: I see - well, I can't imagine me ever doing that kind of "deciding" because I really like her
Mark: I really do, and in lots of ways - some on top and some way deeper
Mark: but okee, goodnight
Kim: no but you saying that sounds like it
Kim: ok night night
Mark: mk

It took me a while, I guess, but this morning I realized that me saying what I said was just like molesting or raping her. Certainly scary, in any case. An underestimation of instability; an overestimation of honesty. I guess I will keep this in mind.

As, or more, or most important, I also realized, at the time of this conversation, that my aim was not an altogether altruistic one, for one can see that I was also trying to address both guilt (in the event I am/was just using her) and to try to protect myself (a futile endeavor) against her departure.